Laurel is grandmother to Aiden who turned one in February,2009. She has been a registered nurse since 1969. She earned her BA in Cognitive Science from SUNY - Buffalo in 2002. Nothing compares to the fun she has with her "wildly entertaining" grandson.
In a previous column, I mentioned the theory that human females and only human females go through the process of menopause in order to give a reproductive advantage to the children of their children. Time, distance and limited resources do not completely negate this biological urge. Instead, sometimes that urge to mother the parents is so strong that humans (mostly grandmas but sometimes grandpas) behave as though they, and not their children, were in charge of the little ones.
We have all heard of and experienced sibling rivalry, in which brothers and sisters (or some combination thereof) vie for the affections of their parents. The contest to win the favor of mom or dad, or mom and dad, can be benign or extremely vicious and last for a few incidents or for the life of that family. Imagine what can happen when four or more adults, who should know better, are combatants for the favors of a child!
I consider myself very fortunate to share grandchildren with rational, reasonable adults who put the good of the child before their own needs. (Yeah, Mike and Maureen! Huzzah Jim and Kathy!) Many grandparents are not so lucky as to share with people they consider friends. Instead, jealousy over who buys the best gift, spends the most time, or bends the most rules become a monumental contest. It is not clear who benefits from these struggles. It is most certainly not the child nor his/her parents.
Reading background information for this column, most sources remind us that, when a couple marries and especially when that couple has a child or children family structures change and take on a new complexity. It is no longer the case that your son or daughter needs to please only one set of parents. Your kid is no longer a kid and needs to please them, the others, the assorted in-laws, to keep the peace at home.
Think back to when your own kids were small. It was a nightmare right? Trying to keep the extended family happy, not only did we overeat and overspend on the holidays and birthdays, we were ragged from trying to be in several places at the same time. Add to that the overexcited kids and the poor nutrition and you have created situations that are NOT remembered as Hallmark holidays. Rather they become something to be endured as best we can, usually followed by a household quarantine when everybody is so run down that the entire family becomes ill. Why would we want to do this to our kids?
So………………..Even if we believe the promise that we exist to spoil our grandkids; even if we think we can make up for lost time with our own kids now that we have more time or money; even if we find that those in-laws are just not friend material we still should be compelled to behave ourselves. There is always going to be a disparity in resources between grandparents. Granny and Gramps A may have more money but Nana B and Poppa B more time. If we really want the best for our grandkids, we might have to settle for the fact that we are not always the ones to fill their every wish.
So a few words of caution:
1. The parents are, after all, the parents. Yours should be a supportive role. If you don’t agree with the rules or the philosophy of childrearing they to which they subscribe, keep it to yourself! (I actually know of one grandma who baptized her grandchildren in the kitchen sink because the parents have chosen to be agnostic) Please ask and understand the parent’s guidelines before you take it upon yourself to make value judgments.
2. Respect the parents’ wishes with regard to gifts. This goes for trips and other events as well. Please do not have your grandchild’s ears pierced or let her have that awesome tattoo without her parents’ permission.
3. Try to know your grandchild well enough to have special times or rituals just for them. Believe me, after a certain age they understand the difference between love and a buy off. My late mother-in-law once bought a ton of expensive toys my son wanted badly but refused to let him take them home. He had to come to her house to play with them.
4. Remember that geographical distance, financial resources and physical disabilities (or lack thereof) can seriously influence how a grandparent can interact with a child. If you want to help to raise an enlightened child, please help them to understand this.
5. The most popular grandparents are not always the ones that have the newest toys. It seems to be more important to experience new things with the kids. They might remember that trip to the zoo more than your having an X box. They might love it that poppa teaches them how to build things while Nana lets them cook their own pizza. You can do lots that their overworked parents might not have the time to do.
6. Unless your grandchild is in danger, it is not your place to interfere with the family lifestyle or family discipline techniques. And for heaven’s sake, do not offer constructive advice unless asked. You may lead by example but otherwise bite your tongue.
You will probably experience the others bending or breaking these rules. Know that they are not hurting anyone more than they are hurting and probably conflicting your shared grandchild. While this may be difficult for you to handle, it is an issue best left to the child’s parents. You might find that if you stop playing the competition game, the reward might be more, not less time, with the added bonus that the others stop playing as well.
Think back to you most beloved grandparent. Most of us have one. What made that person best? He/she listened. He/she spent time with you during which you had that grandparent’s undivided attention. He/she had games, rituals, special treats. You were safe with that grandparent. You were sure of his/her love.
I keep a bottle of Shalimar perfume on my dresser. Each and every time I need to feel safe, or brave or clever, or just lucky, I allow myself a spritz. It brings back a tiny blue-eyed, blue haired woman who never, ever would let me down. She has been gone for 37 years but, for me, she is the gold standard of grandparents. Can you remember yours? Can you be like that for your grandchild?
I’d love to hear from you parents and grandparents out there. So feel free to share your thoughts and experiences below.
